I accept, I am weak.

What is happening with me? Why I am feeling so restless? Everything was okay, then why I am feeling to shout suddenly? Why and of what I am scared so much? I am feeling like to laugh and cry at the same time. And still I have not found any of the answer.
I was having a discussion in the evening about my love with one of my closest friend. She asked me if I really love kruti or not? I had the answer. I said yes without thinking.
"When will  You talk to her?" She asked again. And this time I was out of answer. I wanted to answer but couldn't. It was not only my friend's question but also mine. If I claim to love kruti then why I am hesitating to ask her? I got confused. A never ending pain started somewhere in my heart.
"If you won't tell her, then I will ask her about you this time." she said again. I contradicted her immediately. Why I did so? I don't know. She kept asking for a permission and I restricted her with an oath. She became helpless.
Its not like I don't want to talk to the one whon I love. Or I don't want to meet her. I do want. I do need her beside me. I know that no one else can fill her place. And her empty space in my life hurts more now. Then why? Why I don't move my step forward. No answer comes out of my heart or mind.
May be I am afraid of loosing her. But I never got her? Then why should I get afraid?
"okay, then stop talking and thinking about her." my friend said again. May be she was right.
"I never think about her" I said. But my heart knows how I Said that to her. I felt the pain. I am still feeling it. I want to cry coz I am not so strong.
No matter how much I try to ignore my love, but I know how it feels when I do it. No Matter how much I say I don't care but everything related to her effects me. No matter how much I try to be cool when I hear about her links with other guys but inside I always cry.
Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of a 'no' from her. I don't have the guts to hear it. May be this it one if the reason I don't talk to her. But I am still happy with that pain. Coz that pain belongs to her. I can spent my life just thinking about her and looking at her pics then to live with her 'no'.
I know that a yes can change my life. But i can't even hear a no even in my dreams.
Yes, I am not so strong. I am weak. And I don't regret it.
      Kundan vidyarthy