Meesed up

My life have been a little messed up these days. I am busy, but still I do nothing whole day. A lot of things are going through my mind. What's wrong and what's right. I say I dont care for any such things or people but still, I cant stop caring for them or thinking about them.
Sorry, I am that messed that I don't even know what I am talking about. Lets start again.
I have been posting about my personnel life previously here just because this is the place where I can say my heart out without even caring what others think about it. No one reads it. Not even After I share my posts. And I don't share my personnel posts. So there is not any chance they will read it.
Right now my situation is like the moon. Not even like moon coz every one desires to have that glowing bulb up in the sky. You can say, its like sun. We all get everything from it but no one really wants it untill in a need. And no one cares about its loneliness.
Yes, I am alone like the sun. I have no one in life. Not even the person with whom I can cry it out. But, I am present for them whenever they need me. I am not complaining, nor am I regretting it. But this iz the fact and it hurt sometimes to be alone.
Right now I am friendless, funless, familyless and loveless. Less is everywhere in my life.
I have always been alone when it comes to relationship. Its not like I never loved, in fact I still love that girl very much but the fact is I have never been loved. May be because I am too good for them.
My friends are there but only when they need me otherwise I dont even exist. Still I dont complain. My family is away from me from last seven years. Right now I am too alone.
And as far as my career is concerned, its hanging. I am struggling and I don't know when this struggle will end. If it will end or not. The wait is killing me. And the patience is getting over now.
During last few days I have been pretending a lot. I have been pretending that I dont love her any more. It hurts now. Havent seen in a week now and I am crying inside. I am doing this because she doesng love me. She have some one else in her life and I am broke. But I dont want to let her know that I am broke. Even she doesnt care. Still I cant stop loving her. Its my fate to be alone I guess. The only thing is with me is my writing and my pain.
I need help. Please god, Help me. I am not so strong. I need a shoulder to cry on. Help me.  Please give me something to cheer about. Something to live for and smile for and work for. Are you listening godddd...?? Aren't you...? I am shouting for you...? Why dont you hear me if you exist...? You have to help me... !! Or I will assume that you dont exist...??

घरौंदा: अतिलघु कथा

थका हारा, लड्खाराते क़दमों से मैं समंदर की ओर बढ़ा चला जा रहा था । जैसे आज तो डुबो ही दूंगा खुद  को इन लहरों में । और फिर चैन की नींद सो जाऊँगा लहरों को तकिया और नीले अम्बर को छत समझ कर । कुछ भी तो बाकी नहीं था बचा अब मेरी जिंदगी में । अपने और पराये कोई भी तो नहीं थे मेरे पास । सब ही तो छोड़ आया था खुद ही । बहुत सारे खयालो के साथ टूटा सा बढ़ रहा था समंदर की तरफ । जीने की हर इच्छा समाप्त हो चुकी थी। बस अब तो इन्ताजार था एक तेज़ लहर का जो मुझे निगल जाए ।
अचानक मैंने एक बच्चे को देखा ।समंदर की लहरों से बेखबर वो अपने काम में लींन था । वह रेत पर रेत से ही कुछ कर रहा था । कौतुहलवश मैं नजदीक चला गया । या यूँ कहें के बच्चे की मासूमियत ने मुझे अपनी ओर खीच लिया ।
वह मेरे उपस्थिति से बेखबर व्यस्त था महल बनाने में । हाँ, महल ही तो बना रहा था वो, रेत का महल । वो इतने प्यार से उसे गढ़ रहा था जैसे के वो उसके सपनो का महल हो । जैसे के ये महल ही उसका सबकुछ हो ।
महल लगभग बनकर तैयार था । अचानक से एक तेज़ हवा का झोंका आया । बालक घबरा गया और  अपने घरौंदे के आसपास यूँ खड़ा हो गया के हवा उसके महल को छू भी न सके । वह यूँ ही सिमटा रहा अपने घरौंदे के इर्द गिर्द जब तक हवा और बरसात थम नहीं गयी । भींगता रहा अपने कृत्य को बचाने के लिए और सहता रहा हवा के हर थपेड़े को एक माँ की तरह जो अपने बच्चे के लिए हर जख्म सह जाती है । और मैं वहीँ खड़ा सब देखता रहा ।
बरसात थम गयी थी और बालक अब अपने नए नवेले घरौंदे को निहार रहा था जैसे उसने अपना सर्वस्व बचा लिया हो और वो अब उसके सामने हो । अचानक स  एक तेज़ और बड़ी ऊँची लहर आई और हमारी तरफ यूँ बढ़ी के जैसे अब हमारी जीवनलीला समाप्त कर के ही दम लेगी । पहले तो मैं बड़ा खुश हुआ पर उस नन्हे बालक को सोचकर सिहर गया । क्या ये बालक भी मेरी तरह इस लहर का शिकार होनेवाला है? नहीं, मैं ऐसा नहीं होने दे सकता । मैंने बच्चे का हाथ पकड़ा और दौर पड़ा किनारे की ओर ।
लहर वापिस जा चुकी थी और हमदोनो उसी जगह वापिस लौट आये थे जहाँ बालक ने घरौंदा बनाया था । पर वो घरौंदा तो समंदर की लहरें लील गयी थी । बालक तड़प उठा । उसकी सारी मेहनत पे पानी फिर गया था । कुछ देर यूँही सुन्य में ताकता रहा और फिर समंदर की ओर जाने किन नज़रों से देखा उसने । फिर अचानक जमीन पर बैठ गया कुछ सोचकर । और रेत से फिर वही खेल शुरू   हो गया । कुछ इसकदर के फिर से वो अपना महल बना कर ही दम लेगा । मैं देखकर दंग रह गया । और खुद पे ग्लानि महसूस होने लगी । अगर बालक में इतनी हिम्मत और इछासक्ति हो सकती है तो फिर मुझमे क्यूँ नहीं । अचानक से मुझमे एक नयी उर्जा आ गेई । मैं अब काफी बेहतर महसूस कर रहा था ।
मैं फिर से जीना चाहता था । मैंने बालक की ऊँगली पकड़ी और बढ़ चला एक नयी दिशा की ओर । अपनी मंजिल की ओर कुछ मजबूत कदमो से ।
    कुंदन विद्यार्थी

The blank call: A poem

whenever I hold my phone,
My fingers starts dialing a number,
Without waiting for me to tell it,
As it knows its doing,
And when fingers hit the green button,
Ears attract the phone like a strong magnet,
And hands has no control over it,
May be it want to hear the ring tone,
Or it doesns want to miss any fraction of your voice,
And at the same time heart starts racing,
Ringing continues and racing too,
And then comes a sweet voice,
Like the drop of water in thirst,
Like the snowfall in the hot summer,
Like everything in a lonely world,
But then I forget to respond everytime,
Or I never wanted too I guess,
Just to hear the heartbeat of her voice,
And then I looses it,
A click and the connection ends,
Still I smile,
Coz at least I heard her.
   Kundan vidyarthy

A very short Love Story

He saw her. She was cute and beautiful. He couldn't get his eyes off her beautiful face. Their eyes met and departed in fraction of a second. Boy couldn't hold his urge to see her again. He turned again and found that those two glowing eyes were looking at him only. A smile ran over both the lips and eyes departed again after few seconds this time.
Boy was more than happy. He was in love with that girl he just saw. He was feeling like flying. He was all smiling continuously. The cute smile of the girl was still playing in his eyes and making him smile.
He thought to go and talk to her. He turned. She was no where. He looked here and there. She was nowhere. He ran to every possible place she could be. He couldn't find even a trace of her. He felt broken, still he didn't gave up. He waited for at the same place for her to return. She never came back and another story ended before it started.

Every day, many stories starts and ends like this. Many beautiful hearts gets a crack everyday. Few of them could be a great story if not ended like this.

From the loving heart

It's been almost a week since I texted you last. It's been almost one and a half month I started texting you. It's been almost two years when you unfriended me and few more days when you accepted my request for being a friend. It's been more then two years when I saw you in the school uniform. It's been almost three and a half year when I developed some feeling for you or I started loving you. It's been almost 6 years when I first saw you.
Except first two and a half year, my love for you have only grown up after each passing day. No matter how well or worst my image is in your eyes, I only have loved you. No matter how much you have ignored me, my feelings never changed. Not even then, when you unfriended me. Not even then why I heard that something about you. Not even then when I saw you on the phone. Smiling and talking to someone else. Not even then when you didnt care for my feelings. And not even theb when you asked me to stop texting. Though everytime, my heart seemed breaking, but my love was not so weak to get broken. I am not so strong, I know that but my feelings are not dependent on any other reasons.
I never thought that I will talk to you. I never got a chance. I remember when we crossed each other on few occaisons. Sometimes you changed your way or gestured like I am a lion who will eat you out if you will cross a little closer. I remember every look of yours. I remember every little things which happened between us unknowingly. But then too, all your doings always put up a smile on my face. And helped me to grow up my feelings for you.
When I saw you, when I texted you and When I heard you, everytime, I loved you more and more. 
Now the situation is, I cry for you and smile for you at the same time. I live for you and I die for you at the same time. Now the situation is, you have the key to make my life best or the worst. And the best part is, you either dont understand it or you dont want to understand it. In any case, my love for you will never get less.
I know that I am a little different but this is what I am. I know that I can't face your anger or ignorance but still, I am facing it. I know that I can't survive without seeing you, but you are forcing me to do that. You are making me to die every moment and still you are the only one I keep breathing for.
This all may be looking too easy from your side but its too tough for me. You dont know how helpless and restless I feel these days. You dont know how I am feeling.
Everytime I have put a step forward, you backed off. Everytime I stretched my hand towards you, you pulled off. And the distance remained same. I know, it may not change, but still I am waiting for you. I am still waiting for you to come. You dont know how badly I am missing you. You dont know how badly I need you.
Anyway, still the best part is, I love you and my feelings will never change. No matter what happens, I will keep loving you. I dont want to know the reason why. I know only thing that you are my world. And you will remain same. Thanks for coming into my life dear friend. Miss you much.