The friends

Today is friendship day. Though, not everyone is here with me to celebrate the day together. But, wherever they are, I wish them a very happy friendship day. I promise them that I am always there for my friends. No matter how bad a situation I am stuck in, if they need me I will stand by their side to be a support.
   I have very few countable friends. But everyone is a gem. Not because they are my friends, but everyone of them is a very good human being.
There are times when we are together and we enjoy every moment of being together. We laugh and sometimes we get sad together. Sometimes we eat together and if any of us is not hungry, automatically we all starts feeling not to eat. Sometimes we get drunk together and do hukka (smoke) together. Even we cry together. Such special is our friendship.
   And if we are not together, we miss each other every moment. No matter how sad or happy we are, but we miss each other very much. Sometimes we run out of time and we stay out of touch for weeks. No phone calls and no meetings. But these things are not enough to affect our friendship. In fact, nothing can affect it. Our bond is so strong. And it will go stronger.
  I won't mention your name here coz you know that who you are. Thank you very much for being a part of my life. For making me smile whenever I am sad and for getting sad with me sometime. You all are special people. I love you all. I miss you all. Be same always. Thanks.
    Kundan jha.

Status symbol

He believed love. He valued relations. At least, as I knew him. As a friend and as space we shared from last five years. But today, as I am staring at him and he us walking away from me, he is looking like a stranger to me. I feel like, I don't even know a little bit of him.
He had a lot of people around him. Few good friends and a sweet, loving family. But the special place inside his heart was always vaccant. He wanted someone to fill that place in his life. He wanted someone who could understand him and care for him and love him. And I always believed that one day he would lead an endless relationship one day.
A true person he was, who knew the meaning of losing. And also he knew the meaning of waiting. Once when in school, he fell in love. But couldn't make his story as it was one sided and this ended before it started. Still, with the emotions he talked about that girl was enough for me to realize that he can never fake. He can never hurt a person.
This time when he got back to meet me after almost 6 months, he told me he is in a relationship. I was more than happy for him. Finally the space was filled. I congratulated him and asked many thing about the girl.
But, when I asked him about the future plans with his girlfriend, I was amazed with his response. I never expected this kind of reply from him. From any other guy I could have accepted it as I know how people think about a girl or a relationship today. But this was not just the other guy. He was the one who alway respected these things.
" Look yaar. I know it doesn't sound like me but really, she is just a status symbol for me in my college. She is a beautiful and good at academics too and a girlfriend like her ranks you on top among your friends. And I am enjoying this. One more year and I will walk my way. That's it."
His words were still echoing in my ears as he was waiting few steps away for me. He was looking at me and I was re- thinking my view about him. Does he really respect relations? Does he even respect a girl?  And friendship? Everything seemed fake....!!
    Kundan Vidyarthy

दहाड़ता हुआ सा - 3

1). पहले की बात और थी, पहले तो हम निशाने पे हुआ
करते थे ।। आज भी बेवजह ही परदा करने की ,पर
आदत नहीं गयी तुम्हारी ।। KRV ।।

2). कभी तूने कहा था के मैं तेरा आइना हु // और आज
टूटकर बिखरा पड़ा हु एक कांच की तरह //कुंदन
विद्यार्थी //

3). मैंने तो तेरी आँखों में बसकर तेरी नज़र से
दुनिया देखना चाहा था // तूने दरकिनार कर दिया मुझे
आंसुओं का बहाना करके // कुंदन विद्यार्थी//
4). तेरे इश्क में कुछ तन्हाईयाँ भी मिली, कुछ ग़म
भी मिले । लोगों की रुस्वाइयां भी मिली, और आँखे
नम भी हुए । पर जो नहीं मिले वो तुम थे और
जो नही भूला वो हम थे । फिर भी कटती है हर शाम
मुस्कुराती हुई तेरी दी हुई तन्हाईयो और ग़मो के
साथ । कुंदन विद्यार्थी ।।

5). तेरे लबों की हंसी और मेरे दिल के दर्द
का वास्ता कुछ यूँ था // तू हर हकीकत को ख्वाब
समझ कर भूल गयी और मैं हर ख्वाब को हकीकत
मानकर सांस लेता गया // कुंदन विद्यार्थी //

6). तुझ पत्थर की हीरे सी चमक में यूँ खोये रहे के जाने
कितने बेतरासे हीरों को नज़रंदाज़ कर दिया ।। कुंदन
विद्यार्थी ।।

7). मुझे गुमान था के मेरा चाँद दागदार नहीं है.... उसने
यूँ किया के मेरे इस गुमान का भी क़त्ल कर
दिया ....।। कुंदन विद्यार्थी।।

8). आज दिल जार जार रोने का चाहा // और फिर यूँ
हुआ के बादल बरस पड़े// कुंदन विद्यार्थी//

9). तुम मेरे ख्यालों से जाती ही नहीं हो // और कभी मैं
ही तुम्हें रोक लेता हूँ जाने से//इस तरह मैं
नींदों को भी भुला देता हूँ// और अक्सर ही सपनोंमें
मिलने का वादा तोड़ जाता हूँ मैं//कुंदन विद्यार्थी//

10). उसे डर है के कहीं उसे भी मोहब्बत ना हो जाए
मेरी तरह // शायद इसलिए हर बार सामने आने से
कतराती है //कुंदन विद्यार्थी //

11). तू उधर नाराज बैठी है
मैं इधर बेचैन बैठा हु
देखें ये सिलसिला चलेगा कबतक ।। कुंदन
विद्यार्थी ।।

My quotes : 1

1). sometimes ignorance is necessary to make them realize what they are missing.

2).We waste most of our times
discussing about a person who has
no importance in our life.

3). If you find any single reason for that you are in love with someone then you are not in love actually. Love doesn't happen for a reason or with a reason. It just happens and sometimes you don't even know that it has happened to you.

4). We all make mistakes as we are
humans... But when we say that we
made a mistake falling in love, we are wrong. Love can not be a mistake. It's the bad luck of that person who couldn't understand your true love...!!

5). Money is easy to earn... but what difficult is to earn the trust of some people... !! And keeping their
trust...!! And the biggest difference is... you can earn money back once you loose it but you can't earn the trust back once you break it...!!

6). Love makes our life beautiful? No, it only gives you pain and make you learn to live with it only. The day you learn to live with that pain and put a smile on your face, they assumes that your life is beautiful...!!

7). Don't follow me....i may not b on the right path..... Don't go ahead of me ..... i may not come along...... Just be with me in my gud or bad times...................!!

8). Love is a game of heart and
brain....where when heart agrees,
brain has to just follow......

9). They don't even respect you or your feelings.... and still they pretend to be loving and caring...! They don't even deserve your hate..!!

10). Don't pretend to be angry with your loved ones... sometimes it can
change everything and you won't be able to even regret it.

11). Sometimes you start loving the
person who doesnt deserve even a
bit of it....! The worst part is, you
know this fact but still you dont stop loving that person...!!

12). Don't give anyone the power to get away your smile from you. No one can, if you want. Keep smiling..!!
    kundan vidyarthy

Meesed up

My life have been a little messed up these days. I am busy, but still I do nothing whole day. A lot of things are going through my mind. What's wrong and what's right. I say I dont care for any such things or people but still, I cant stop caring for them or thinking about them.
Sorry, I am that messed that I don't even know what I am talking about. Lets start again.
I have been posting about my personnel life previously here just because this is the place where I can say my heart out without even caring what others think about it. No one reads it. Not even After I share my posts. And I don't share my personnel posts. So there is not any chance they will read it.
Right now my situation is like the moon. Not even like moon coz every one desires to have that glowing bulb up in the sky. You can say, its like sun. We all get everything from it but no one really wants it untill in a need. And no one cares about its loneliness.
Yes, I am alone like the sun. I have no one in life. Not even the person with whom I can cry it out. But, I am present for them whenever they need me. I am not complaining, nor am I regretting it. But this iz the fact and it hurt sometimes to be alone.
Right now I am friendless, funless, familyless and loveless. Less is everywhere in my life.
I have always been alone when it comes to relationship. Its not like I never loved, in fact I still love that girl very much but the fact is I have never been loved. May be because I am too good for them.
My friends are there but only when they need me otherwise I dont even exist. Still I dont complain. My family is away from me from last seven years. Right now I am too alone.
And as far as my career is concerned, its hanging. I am struggling and I don't know when this struggle will end. If it will end or not. The wait is killing me. And the patience is getting over now.
During last few days I have been pretending a lot. I have been pretending that I dont love her any more. It hurts now. Havent seen in a week now and I am crying inside. I am doing this because she doesng love me. She have some one else in her life and I am broke. But I dont want to let her know that I am broke. Even she doesnt care. Still I cant stop loving her. Its my fate to be alone I guess. The only thing is with me is my writing and my pain.
I need help. Please god, Help me. I am not so strong. I need a shoulder to cry on. Help me.  Please give me something to cheer about. Something to live for and smile for and work for. Are you listening godddd...?? Aren't you...? I am shouting for you...? Why dont you hear me if you exist...? You have to help me... !! Or I will assume that you dont exist...??

घरौंदा: अतिलघु कथा

थका हारा, लड्खाराते क़दमों से मैं समंदर की ओर बढ़ा चला जा रहा था । जैसे आज तो डुबो ही दूंगा खुद  को इन लहरों में । और फिर चैन की नींद सो जाऊँगा लहरों को तकिया और नीले अम्बर को छत समझ कर । कुछ भी तो बाकी नहीं था बचा अब मेरी जिंदगी में । अपने और पराये कोई भी तो नहीं थे मेरे पास । सब ही तो छोड़ आया था खुद ही । बहुत सारे खयालो के साथ टूटा सा बढ़ रहा था समंदर की तरफ । जीने की हर इच्छा समाप्त हो चुकी थी। बस अब तो इन्ताजार था एक तेज़ लहर का जो मुझे निगल जाए ।
अचानक मैंने एक बच्चे को देखा ।समंदर की लहरों से बेखबर वो अपने काम में लींन था । वह रेत पर रेत से ही कुछ कर रहा था । कौतुहलवश मैं नजदीक चला गया । या यूँ कहें के बच्चे की मासूमियत ने मुझे अपनी ओर खीच लिया ।
वह मेरे उपस्थिति से बेखबर व्यस्त था महल बनाने में । हाँ, महल ही तो बना रहा था वो, रेत का महल । वो इतने प्यार से उसे गढ़ रहा था जैसे के वो उसके सपनो का महल हो । जैसे के ये महल ही उसका सबकुछ हो ।
महल लगभग बनकर तैयार था । अचानक से एक तेज़ हवा का झोंका आया । बालक घबरा गया और  अपने घरौंदे के आसपास यूँ खड़ा हो गया के हवा उसके महल को छू भी न सके । वह यूँ ही सिमटा रहा अपने घरौंदे के इर्द गिर्द जब तक हवा और बरसात थम नहीं गयी । भींगता रहा अपने कृत्य को बचाने के लिए और सहता रहा हवा के हर थपेड़े को एक माँ की तरह जो अपने बच्चे के लिए हर जख्म सह जाती है । और मैं वहीँ खड़ा सब देखता रहा ।
बरसात थम गयी थी और बालक अब अपने नए नवेले घरौंदे को निहार रहा था जैसे उसने अपना सर्वस्व बचा लिया हो और वो अब उसके सामने हो । अचानक स  एक तेज़ और बड़ी ऊँची लहर आई और हमारी तरफ यूँ बढ़ी के जैसे अब हमारी जीवनलीला समाप्त कर के ही दम लेगी । पहले तो मैं बड़ा खुश हुआ पर उस नन्हे बालक को सोचकर सिहर गया । क्या ये बालक भी मेरी तरह इस लहर का शिकार होनेवाला है? नहीं, मैं ऐसा नहीं होने दे सकता । मैंने बच्चे का हाथ पकड़ा और दौर पड़ा किनारे की ओर ।
लहर वापिस जा चुकी थी और हमदोनो उसी जगह वापिस लौट आये थे जहाँ बालक ने घरौंदा बनाया था । पर वो घरौंदा तो समंदर की लहरें लील गयी थी । बालक तड़प उठा । उसकी सारी मेहनत पे पानी फिर गया था । कुछ देर यूँही सुन्य में ताकता रहा और फिर समंदर की ओर जाने किन नज़रों से देखा उसने । फिर अचानक जमीन पर बैठ गया कुछ सोचकर । और रेत से फिर वही खेल शुरू   हो गया । कुछ इसकदर के फिर से वो अपना महल बना कर ही दम लेगा । मैं देखकर दंग रह गया । और खुद पे ग्लानि महसूस होने लगी । अगर बालक में इतनी हिम्मत और इछासक्ति हो सकती है तो फिर मुझमे क्यूँ नहीं । अचानक से मुझमे एक नयी उर्जा आ गेई । मैं अब काफी बेहतर महसूस कर रहा था ।
मैं फिर से जीना चाहता था । मैंने बालक की ऊँगली पकड़ी और बढ़ चला एक नयी दिशा की ओर । अपनी मंजिल की ओर कुछ मजबूत कदमो से ।
    कुंदन विद्यार्थी

The blank call: A poem

whenever I hold my phone,
My fingers starts dialing a number,
Without waiting for me to tell it,
As it knows its doing,
And when fingers hit the green button,
Ears attract the phone like a strong magnet,
And hands has no control over it,
May be it want to hear the ring tone,
Or it doesns want to miss any fraction of your voice,
And at the same time heart starts racing,
Ringing continues and racing too,
And then comes a sweet voice,
Like the drop of water in thirst,
Like the snowfall in the hot summer,
Like everything in a lonely world,
But then I forget to respond everytime,
Or I never wanted too I guess,
Just to hear the heartbeat of her voice,
And then I looses it,
A click and the connection ends,
Still I smile,
Coz at least I heard her.
   Kundan vidyarthy

A very short Love Story

He saw her. She was cute and beautiful. He couldn't get his eyes off her beautiful face. Their eyes met and departed in fraction of a second. Boy couldn't hold his urge to see her again. He turned again and found that those two glowing eyes were looking at him only. A smile ran over both the lips and eyes departed again after few seconds this time.
Boy was more than happy. He was in love with that girl he just saw. He was feeling like flying. He was all smiling continuously. The cute smile of the girl was still playing in his eyes and making him smile.
He thought to go and talk to her. He turned. She was no where. He looked here and there. She was nowhere. He ran to every possible place she could be. He couldn't find even a trace of her. He felt broken, still he didn't gave up. He waited for at the same place for her to return. She never came back and another story ended before it started.

Every day, many stories starts and ends like this. Many beautiful hearts gets a crack everyday. Few of them could be a great story if not ended like this.

From the loving heart

It's been almost a week since I texted you last. It's been almost one and a half month I started texting you. It's been almost two years when you unfriended me and few more days when you accepted my request for being a friend. It's been more then two years when I saw you in the school uniform. It's been almost three and a half year when I developed some feeling for you or I started loving you. It's been almost 6 years when I first saw you.
Except first two and a half year, my love for you have only grown up after each passing day. No matter how well or worst my image is in your eyes, I only have loved you. No matter how much you have ignored me, my feelings never changed. Not even then, when you unfriended me. Not even then why I heard that something about you. Not even then when I saw you on the phone. Smiling and talking to someone else. Not even then when you didnt care for my feelings. And not even theb when you asked me to stop texting. Though everytime, my heart seemed breaking, but my love was not so weak to get broken. I am not so strong, I know that but my feelings are not dependent on any other reasons.
I never thought that I will talk to you. I never got a chance. I remember when we crossed each other on few occaisons. Sometimes you changed your way or gestured like I am a lion who will eat you out if you will cross a little closer. I remember every look of yours. I remember every little things which happened between us unknowingly. But then too, all your doings always put up a smile on my face. And helped me to grow up my feelings for you.
When I saw you, when I texted you and When I heard you, everytime, I loved you more and more. 
Now the situation is, I cry for you and smile for you at the same time. I live for you and I die for you at the same time. Now the situation is, you have the key to make my life best or the worst. And the best part is, you either dont understand it or you dont want to understand it. In any case, my love for you will never get less.
I know that I am a little different but this is what I am. I know that I can't face your anger or ignorance but still, I am facing it. I know that I can't survive without seeing you, but you are forcing me to do that. You are making me to die every moment and still you are the only one I keep breathing for.
This all may be looking too easy from your side but its too tough for me. You dont know how helpless and restless I feel these days. You dont know how I am feeling.
Everytime I have put a step forward, you backed off. Everytime I stretched my hand towards you, you pulled off. And the distance remained same. I know, it may not change, but still I am waiting for you. I am still waiting for you to come. You dont know how badly I am missing you. You dont know how badly I need you.
Anyway, still the best part is, I love you and my feelings will never change. No matter what happens, I will keep loving you. I dont want to know the reason why. I know only thing that you are my world. And you will remain same. Thanks for coming into my life dear friend. Miss you much.

Rest in peace Rupa.

She was sweet. She was beautiful. She was of good nature. She knew how to keep others happy. She never hurt anyone in short span of her life. She was a sister like to me as she was the friend of my younger sister, just a class senior to me. A good student of her class. And as sweet was her name. Rupa.
I woke up today and did what I do on the regular days. I was lucky enough to have a glimpse of the special person not so early in the morning. I was feeling the emptiness in my life like always with the thought of one and only when I decided to call home. Soon it was ringing on the other side. Mom picked up the call after few rings. Something was terribly wrong with her I felt. She was almost crying. I asked but words were not seeming like to come out of her mouth. My dad took the phone over and my niece tried to calm her. I asked dad about the reason. He said and I was shocked. Not a word came out of my mouth too. I forgot to react. Suddenly I went more sad and at the same time full of anger.
A sweet and cute face flashed in front of my eyes. She was no more in this world. Rupa is no more with us. Some monsters killed her last night and threw the dead body somewhere in the pond. Why? How can someone do this to such an innocent girl ? Everything is still unknown. Whatever the reason is, no reason can be big enough to kill any person. Her husband was involved in this, my dad said and I fumed almost. I know that bastard. I felt to go right away and teach a lesson to that bloody monster. (Sorry for the language friends but such people deserve to get abused, slapped and many more worst. They should be hanged till death.)
They were just married couple. Last year, june 17 they got married to each other. Theirs was a love marriage which was arranged by both the families. When I heard about it, I told my sister that boy is not good enough to get married to a girl like Rupa. The problem with these good sweet girls is, they get trapped very soon in the words of bad guys and good guys never can get attention of these girls. Anyway, they were married before I could do anything. Still I was not expecting this to happen.
I called my sister. She was at Rupa's place, all in tears. The dead body is now with the police and the murderer is in police custody. No matter what is gonna happen with that monster, nothing can get the girl back. They can't get the daughter back to the crying parents.

It's hurting. Whatever us happening with girls is all shamefull. Sometimes they kill the baby girl before the birth. Sometimes they kill them because of dowry. Sometimes they rape and kill. And sometimes for many other reasons. In the country where we worship goddess, we are doing these shamefull too. I wish, I could prevent these all. I wish I could save them all. But the world is too big to be seen by my eyes.
Sometimes I think that my imaginary world is far better than the real but fake world. At least I can not let anything bad happen to anyone in my world. I wish this world will be a better place to live in near future.
R.I.P Rupa. I wish! you could be with us forever.

Miss you dear friend.

Missing you dear friend. Missing you too badly. I can't tell you how I am feeling from last few days. I can't show you how much pain is inside. I just can't coz you don't wanna understand it.
You may not be feeling the way I feel. You may not be ready for this but the fact is 'I Love you more than anything else in the world'. I don't say that I can't live without you but there is no meaning of life without you. I have jusr became a meaningless person. And you are the reason dear friend. You have made me to live without the heartbeats. You have forced me to live with corbon-di-oxide. And I cant even blame you.
I may be looking happy to you. May be you are seeing smile on my face. May be you are thinking or forced to think that I am fake. But the fact is, I am crying inside. I want to shout. Shout at the world. Shout at the Almighty God. But cant do that. I am smiling but everytime I smile, the pain increases to another level. You cant see it. I am not fake dear friend. Every bit of my feelings are as true as the air around. My love is as true as the presence of sun. My emotions are as pure as mother Ganga. You cant understand it. You dont have eyes to see it. Even if you will try, I know that the people around you will not let you do that.
I am aware of my mistakes. Few of them I can correct but few I cant. U wish, I have the time matchine to go into 2009 and correct it. Its impossible. And I am paying for that mistake now.
You asked me for something when we last communicated. You could have asked for my life. It was easier to give than to not to see you any more. Its killing me like a sweet poison. Though I never expected anything from you, but still it hurts now. You were never with me but still I was happy with you in my thoughts. Now I am all alone without any one around who can understand me.
I know that it was not your decision. I know that still something is there at least. I trust you. Whatever I have observed from last few years can not be fake. I have faith in myself. Your every look, innocent and cute cant be fake. I remember everything. Everytime we crossed and you reacted a little. Those reactions can not be fake. But You cant accept it. You dont wanna accept it. The people around you will not allow you to accept it. Your ego is bigger than anything else. And I dont have an option to change it.
I wish I could change it. I wish you could understand me. I wish you will come by my side. But My wishes never come true. Despite your reactions. Despite broken me. The fact is I am missing you. The fact is I cant stop loving you. And I will wait for you knowing the fact that you will never come.

Please forgive me...I can't stop Loving U.

I am alone.. at home thinking about what to cook. I am getting confused. Anyway, the point is, I am alone, yet not alone. I have someone in my mind, in my eyes and in my heart with whom I am sharing my loneliness. No matter how far she is, she never leaves me alone. She smiles in my eyes. She talks in my ears. She litsens to my lips. She gets angry in my thoughts and cools down with my breathe. And she feels it inside my heart. Running in throughout my body with the bloods. How can I be alone.
Anyway, a lot happened with me in last few weeks. Yes, finally something happened. And still nothing happened if you see it. But my eyes says, "I saw it". My heart says,"I am feeling the essence of it". She celebrated her birthday and I was all alone again on such a special day. Of course she was there in my thoughts. I wished for her and as usual, my wishes never comes true, as yet. And yet, knowing this fact, I am wishing for her to be by my side. Such a fool I am. But you know what, at some places, its better to be a fool.
During this period of few weeks. I met her numerous times. I came across her a few times. I told her a lot of things. Don't expect me to share it here whatever I said to her. It was just for her. Anyway, I realized that, the talks of heart can never end. No matter how much you express your feelings by words or without it, it all looks as little as few at the end of the day. You feel that you have still a lot to say. You have still a lot to express. I am feeling it. However, only god knows if I will get another chance. Another chance to say something, to letsen, to take care, to hide her from the world. I am still wishing for it.
I told her that few colors gets better while on her, she stopped thinking about those poor colors. I said that ecery living or non living smiles with her, she stopped smiling for us. I said she is the moon and she made the days and nights both dark for us. I wish, I could have kept it in my heart itself then at least we could desire for my moon from a distance. Tell you the secret, my moon is more beauty than any other moon in the world. Shhhh.....!!
She said she want to know me but didn't gave me a chance to let know about me. Now, its a different story altogether. I dont know where it is heading. I dont know what is going on with her. I dont know what she thinks about me. I know only thing that what I feel for her is not going to change anyway. She is the first one and last one for me. She is the most special person in my life and will remain so. I have been waiting for her from last few years and this wait will go untill the last hitch of my throat. I wish.....!!
Just I want to say, "Please forgive me... I can't stop Loving you."
Anyway, now I know what to cook and I am going to prepare for my food. Will be back soon with few short stories and poems. Thanks

Whom should I cheat? Myself or the others ?

It was a tough situation for me. I was not getting a clear thought about what I want. Should I listen to my heart or my mind was right? It was a tough call deciding.
I was stuck between my mind and my heart. If I follow my heart, I will end up Cheating on Aayush. And if I listen to my mind, I will clearly cheat myself. Deciding was getting tougher and tougher as time was passing.
I remember the day when Aayush proposed me. I just had entered the college. A new energy was building up in me. First time I was in such an energetic environment. However, no one talked about studies there like school. Every one was busy in making friends and relationship. And honestly speaking, I was quite liking it. Still I was trying to understand the tough words like boyfriends, girlfriends and relationship when Aayush proposed me in front of every one in my college. I didn't know him much but his cuteness and the way he proposed me excited me. And I ended up saying a 'yes' then and there.
Aayush is not a bad guy to be with. And I was really enjoying my first ever love relationship. But the fact was, I never loved him. I never felt something special for him. Yes, I get super excited when getting his call or sms but this can't be love.
Then I saw another person. He is not so handsome but he is the one for whom I started feeling. I don't know what he is and how better he is than Aayush but I know that I love him. This fact is again as tough to digest as a walking qutubminar. I never accepted it. But the fact is fact and I started ignoring the person whom I love. I carried my relationship with Aayush. I didn't want to cheat him anyway. I was being a loyal companion for him. However, I know that this is not the way things should go. I know that trapped in the word 'Loyality' I was cheating myself more than him. I was cheating on Aayush by not being with him completely. And I am cheating myself for being unfair with my heart.
Its enough now. I don't want to be in such situation for more. I want to listen to my heart. I also know the fact that the one whom I love, loves me too. And after one year of this tough situation, I have known both the guys better.
However, I am still stuck between Loyality and Love. What should I choose, my heart or my mind. Anyway, I am going to hurt at least one heart. Now it a big question that which one should I hurt, Aayush' or Mine...?
Still the Question is same. Whom should I cheat..? Myself or the others...??

Our story.

Yesterday was a very special day for me. It was the birthday of a very special person in my life. Though, we haven't met yet but still she is everything for me. It was the more special day for me than her, I guess. I spent the day only thinking about her. And my bad luck, I only could get only a one second long glimpse of her. She was looking too beaitiful in her pink top. She must not have noticed me but I noticed only her, the whole day. The so special day went without her again. I spent the whole day alone. I didn't like it. I thought to go and waste my six hours watching a useless movie, but the hope to get another glimpse of hers couldn't let me move from my place.
I had planned something for her. I wanted to send some flowers to her place as a bday wishing. However, I changed my plan because of my thoughts. I will never want her to face any problem because of me. And my present could have created a problem for her I guess.
How could I end up not wishing her. So I thought to call her and wish her. I don't know why I preferred to text her instead of calling at exactly 12 at night. I sent two texts and not any one got delivered unfortunately. And I did it again. Surely it reached her this time. And she replied too, with a thanks and a question. The question I always feared to answer. I didn't answer exactly what I should have. I was afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid to loose her, though, I never got her in my life. She was always far from me. I was just any other person to her may be. However, the fact is, she is everything to me. She still don't know that I wished her, I guess.
Today, its again the same old day, with my pen, paper and my thoughts. Of course she is there in my thoughts. However, I haven't written anything from morning. Not even a line. I am feeling lost. I am feeling restless. I want to talk to her. I want to see her. And its difficult in the circumstances. I just can hope for the better things to happen. I can't say that I can't live without her, of course I am living without her but, life will be more meaning ful with her. Life will be more happy with her.
There's more things going into my mind which I can't share with anyone, as there is no one to share. And this is the best place where I can write my heart out. And I know that she won't read it for sure. Safest place to say something where I know that no she is not listening.
I am thinking about my future, our future. And as a writer, I can sense what is going to happen. I can see the future. only two possibilities are their. Either this story will not turn out, or it will be a story with a lots of twists and turn which can be a bestseller. I want it to be simple. I want to have a love story where only happiness is there. I want to make it cute. I don't want to write our own story. I don't want  a villain in our life. I don't want our story to be a sad one. Hope she will understand me and my love and our cute upcoming story.

दहाड़ता हुआ सा 2

आज का दिन बड़ा ही खास है, क्यूंकि आज किसी खास का जन्मदिन है. मेरी तरफ से उसे बहुत सारी सुभकामनाये. और मैं चाहूँगा के आप सब भी उसके लिए दुआ करें. वो हमेशा हँसता  और मुस्कुराता रहे. चंद शेर उसके नाम समर्पित करता हूँ मैं आज फिर. यूँ तो मेरे सारे शब्द ही उसकी अमानत हैं. पर कभी कभी गुस्ताखी करने का दिल कर जाता है.



सुबह के नज़ारे से तुम्हें मांगते हैं,
शाम के धुंधलके से तुम्हें मांगते हैं,
चाँद की तपिश भी ठंडी पर जाती जब,
इसके उजालों से तुम्हें मांगते हैं//

चाँद को गुरूर अपनी चांदनी पे है,
मुझको यकीं तेरी रौशनी पे है,
बादलों में छुप गया न जाने वो कहाँ,
यूँ जाला वो चाँद तेरी रौशनी से है//

कुछ यूँ समेत लेती हो लहराती जुल्फों को,
सारे बिखरे बादल जैसे छुप से जाते हैं तेरी गेशुओं में//

तुझे ये मलाल के हम तुझे याद नहीं करते,
हमें ये सुकून के हम तो जीते तुम्हें देखकर हैं//

तुम पूछती हो मुझसे मेरी पहचान क्या हैं,
और मैं खुद को तेरी नज़रों में ढूंढता हू आज भी//

निकली हो पल्लव सी, कलियों सी खिलती हो,
इठलाती, बलखाती, इतराती, और महकाती//

चंद फूलों से क्या तेरा श्रींगार करूं मैं,
तू तो खुद गुलाब सी कोमल और सुन्दर हो//

के आज मेरा दिन है, तुझसे भी ज्यादा,
के आज मैं तुझे जी भर के निहारूंगा//
(Dedicated to the birthday girl)
kundan vidyarthy.

My marriage: A rumour.

Funny things keep happening with me always. And I enjoy it always, no matter it's in my favor or not. Most of the time it opposes me. However it is the part and parcel of the game and I don't complain it.
Anyway, it is about the latest funny incident. Believe me, its really funny. Few days ago an old man approached my home. I was not present there then. He introduced himself as a father while he looked like a grandfather. Now the joke starts. He was a father of a daughter and he was on a visit to my place for a 'Rishta'. When he said the related words, my father was in a funny sock. And other members of the family were hardly controlling their laughter. I couldn't have controlled if present though. The old man wanted to arrange my wedding to his daughter. And he wanted to see me.
"How do you know my son?" my father asked him. And the old man took a name which was hard to believe. Anyway the conversation went on like this.
"Okay, my son is actually not in the town. So tell me what do you want to know about him."
"There is nothing to ask as the relation is suggested by Raman babu. I just wanted to see your son and finalise everything." what a confident person he was.
"But I have something to tell you. Everything should get clear before we go ahead with it."
He looked with a bit confused eyes.
"My son does nothing. And he doesn't have a plan to do something meaning ful in near future. Apart, he is a wasted poet and an author too...." And he kept on counting the bad points about me to avoid this situation. The old man had the look of wonder in his eyes.
"But we heard that your son is in government service as told by Raman babu."
"Sorry, you have mis heard it." My dad said.
"No problem, we can wait for him. We are in no hurry." what he was? He wanted to tie his daughter to an unemployed person?
"Look Shyam babu, I don't want to hurt you but the fact is, we can't decide anything about my son. He has strictly asked me to not to look for anyone. And last, he is not yet matured to get married. So, you can look for a better groom around." Finally he went. And my sister called me to tell this. I couldn't stop my laughter. Nor she could. I mean, I am still only 23 and they want me to get married. And get married to a girl whom I don't even know. Strange it is.
And by the way, I don't believe in arranged marriages in todays world. It doesn't have any meaning. May be only I think this way, but love come arrange is the best possible option available.
"Aur Waise v, main shayar hu aur shayar arrange marriages to nai karte hain. Hum shayar to mohabbat karte hain. Main alag nahi hu."

My 4th book

After writing the stories of Diya- shashank, shweta- karan and confused Jay, I too got confused a little. Though, I have never been in a love relationship, I tried my best to do justice with the characters of all the three books. May be I was successful o may be I failed, this is upto my publishers and my readers to decide.
Though, I have still few interesting love stories in my mind which I would love to write, still I was confused about my fourth book. Stress of not getting published was killing my patience. And I wasted a few months after completing my third book. During these time I was just getting rejected from various publishers for my second book. Though a publisher already have selected my first book, but its taking time. Only god knows when they will publish my book. May be I need a lady luck. And she is still away from me.
After writing three love stories, I wanted to do some experiment with my imagination and my writing. I wanted to write a non love story this time. And for this I was not getting a perfect plot. Then something happened. Something which forced me to think. This was it. Though I didn't had the full plot but I got the initials. I got the story of my fourth book.
First three books I wrote from a boys point of view. I didn't face much difficulty there, writing for another boy, no matter it was shashank or karan or Jay. However, this time it Was going to be difficult as the lead character I was thinking if was a fourteen years old girl. And writing for a girl lead was going to be tough but surely its going to make me strong as a writer.
Ans soon I started penning down this character kaavya, a girl in her teenage. She is a different type of girl. Not so lucky and not so happy as she thinks. She make some friends and try to smile with them. However, by the end of her fourteenth year, she does a terrible mistake. And after that her life goes hell. This story will reaveal the truths of her life after the mistake. What a teenage requires from parents, I have tried to state. What a teenage girl faces in her life in worst or best scenario, I am trying to write.
I dont know how much I will be successful, but I will try my best to do justice with the characters. I have completed almost 8000 words, but still a long way to go with kaavya. Wish me luck. And also you can suggest me anything u want. I need your support in my journey as kaavya or as any other character.

Incomplete talk

In past few days, I have been thinking about my personal and professional life. Both are quite unpredictable. And sometimes both are boring. Sometimes I think that I am the most bored person around and sometimes, I contradict myself. Just because i enjoy more in a situation in which i am. No other person can have a feel good smile in a situation where I am. This is me. I take everything as a challenge. I find fun from everything around and make myself a happy person. Sometimes everything around looks funny to me and may be others find a funny part of mine. 

Anyway, I was talking about past few days, isn't it? No, I guess about my personal and professional life, which keeps me waiting always. I am not complaining about both, but I know that some part of it is destiny and some part of it is what I am responsible for. 

My personal life could have been better  and struggle free but I chose happiness over money. I chose such a profession for myself in which only struggle is there. And I am struggling from last few years without any success. Though, I am confident of my success, I am waiting. Waiting for something good to happen in my life. Something to cheer about and party for. May be destiny wants me to wait some more. 

Let's not talk much about professional. I am not a professional kind of person. My profession is a very important part of my personal life. That's my passion. Other than my passion, a lot of things are there who is letting me wait. For which I am trying, may be not so hard, but without any success. Yes, I accept, it could have been a better try. 

First, I am fed up of my skinny look. I want to gain some wait these days and am trying for this too but not succeeding. Isn't it funny. You may not find anything funny in my look, but I do sometimes. 

My friends are a very important part of my life. And only here, I am lucky a little. I have got some very good friends, but they can not be with me always. They have their own life. 

So, ultimately, it comes to my life only. My empty life but not so empty heart. There is a sweet, beautiful angel in there. the one who is my inspiration. The one who is my passion. The one without whom I am incomplete. Yes, she is in my heart but still far away from life. Though, not so far away but at a considerable distance.

I am waiting for her. But this could have been different, I know. My mistakes are, I never tried. I know that hacking an account, calling blankly or writing poems about her is not going to work anyway. If I claim to love her, then I have to show up. But at the same time, I am dumb at showing up. I am dumb enough to propose her, may be because I am afraid. I am the last person who can impress her with his looks. I am worst when I talk to her. But this is me. I can't change. I can't change for anything. May be because, i don't want to change. May be because my not so perfect personality loves her and don't want to change this feeling for any mean. There may be many reasons but one fact is I love her. And I will keep waiting for her. 

I do wrong talks at wrong times. But I can't help it. If I am talking then I can't stop talking about her. My talks and My life is incomplete without that name. Sorry, I will not tell you that name. It's all private....;)

https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Wish-life-gives-me-one-more-chance/528617000524006

दहाड़ता हुआ सा

कुछ शेर, जो आजकल मेरे अंदर उबलते हैं फिर शब्दों के रूप में बाहर आ जाते हैं. देखें कहाँ तक पहुचती है इसकी दहाड़........!!!

१ )   आवारों की बस्ती में फिरता रहा हूँ,
       तुझे याद अक्सर ही करता रहा हूँ,
       जाने कहाँ फिर दिखे तू मुझे, बस,
       ये उम्मीद लेके भटकता रहा हूँ///

२) लाल स्याही देख इसे खून न समझ लेना,
     हैं तो स्याही ही, लेकिन शब्द मेरे लहू से भींगे हैं//

३)   अच्छा हुआ के शीशा जानकार तोड़ दिया तुमने//
      अगर तुम ही नहीं तो ये दिल किस काम का//

४)   ना जाने भीड़ कैसी है, ना जाने होड कैसा है//
      मैं तो तन्हा ही फिसला था, मगर ये होड कैसा है//

५)   मेरी मोहब्बत का तुझे इल्म नहीं शायद//
      तेरा नाम पहले लेता हू और सांस बाद में//

६)   वो तो यूँही चोरी का इलज़ाम देते हैं मुझपर//
      चाहे तलाशी लेले, खुद के सिवा उन्हें कुछ नहीं मिलेगा//

७)   सब्र की बात भला पूछते हो तुम किस से//
      उम्र हमने भी काटी है उनकी राहों में//

८)   जिक्र जब भी मोहब्बत का आएगा//
      शायद तेरा नाम मेरे साथ ही लिया जाएगा//
      मेरा यूँ था के मैं जता भी ना सका//
      और तू खुद से भी छुपाती रह गयी//

९)   मुझे भूल जाना इतना आसान नहीं है ए सलमा//
       तू पलकें बंद करेगी, मैं खाबों में आ जाऊँगा//

१०)  मैं तो कबका छोड़ जाता ये सहर//
       बस डरता हू के तू मुझे और मैं तुझे भूल न जाऊं//  

११)   एक बार फिर से बेहेक जाने के लिए तो आ//
        मनाने के लिए ना सही, सताने के लिए तो आ//
        मुझे तो बस तेरे दीदार की ललक है//
        दिल में भले ही ना बसना तू, मगर दिल तोड़ जाने के लिए तो आ//
                                                                         कुंदन विद्यार्थी

ये  थे कुछ शेर, जो दहाड़ने की कोशिश कर रहे थे. अब दहाड़ कहा तक पहुचती है ये तो बाद की बात है.

Few more steps towards her

She was right there in front of me. Almost a hundred steps away but I couldnt see her. I could recognize her in that dark night. Yes it was she only. My eyes can be wrong for once but not my heart. My heart suddenly started beating fast. It was showing all the signs of her presence.
She was still there.Ninety steps away from me. I was walking to decrease the distance. But her her presence and her glowing face was playing its magic. Eyes wanted to stick there on that face and body was sweating all alone. Feet was refusing to walk. I forced but still I was not able to put it in the appropriate place. I Was fumbling. I was stammering in heart. I never care about my looks but right then I thought that how am I looking. I forgot that I was tired just a few seconds ago. I forgot about my headache. Everything dissapeared and new problems appeared. I forgot that I have to submit my assignments today. Only she was there in my mind like always.
70 steps and I noticed that she was not alone. Someone was there with her. Her friends I guess. Yupp, those were her friends to whom she was talking. They must have noticed me by the time I guess. And this thought was enough to make me more nervous. I had to remove my eyes from there forcefully. I wanted to look at her. I wanted everything else to dissapear other then us. I wanted the timecto stop so that I could be in front of her always.
But alas! It never happened. I was still managing to move. And time never left its speed. Ten, nine, eight and Seven. I wanted to stop there as time didn't stop. I wanted to talk to her and hear her beautiful voice for life. I wanted to stop and sink in her beautiful eyes.
But again it didn't happen. This time my legs refused to stop. I kept moving and moving. Now I was the one making the distance. I hated it. I wanted to turn back but my neck Was afraid of getting caught. Finally I turned but she was no where.
I left her far behind I guess. But she was still there In my heart and in my eyes. I looked at her smiling face and smiled myself. Again I took a step. One more step towards her.

Her colored face

Well, its over. The holi is over and there was nothing interesting I did. Nothing at all. It was just like another boring day of my life. Nothing special happened. May be I never tried to make it special but still nothing could have happen if I had tried.
May be they can say I am boring. I don't blame. I have all the visible quality of a boring person. But this is not me. I am not boring at all. Its just that I pretend to be boring. Situation doesn't allow me to do not so boring things. I can't have fun alone. I can't laugh out loud alone. In fact nothing not so boring can be done alone. But still I try to find fun in every thing around me. I don't hate boring things now. I do it every time. And believe me it helps me a lot.
Writing is the most boring thing the new generation think of and I do it. Reading is another boring thing and this time too, its my favorite while no one is around me. When I read something two thing happens. First, sometime I compare what I read to what I have written, and I feel happy that I am better. And if not then I learn to make it better.
Today also, on the very special occasion of holI, I did three things. First, I read. Second, I wrote some more words of my fourth novel. And last but not the least, I tried to find my soul. I found her again and smiled. I saw her playing holi and I felt happy. I wrote another song for my soul and i liked it in the end. I never get bored doing these three things. My writing is my career. Reading make me better. And I can't imagine my days without my soul. Everytime I see her, I fall in love with her again and again. And the same is with my writing and reading too. Its all important. Most important thing like my family and friends, these three are also the part of my life. And how can I spend any special day without these three. I don't regret it if someone says me boring while I do these things.
Anyway, its end of the day and a new day will start after the end of the darkness. Looking forward to it.
And if you are going to play holi again tomorrow, then wishes for you.

Kundan vidyarthy

Holi for me

Holi is round the corner. Its the festival of colors as we all know. Holi for me too meant only for coloring the faces of my friends until a white face gets black. We used to find the white or colorless faces and make them black unnaturally. And no one had the guts to refuse us coloring their faces.
And then we got busy. We friends were no more together. And you know, playing Holi alone is not a good idea. Slowly I lost every interest in colors of Holi. Never got such environment again to wake up all the Holi heart. Though I was never away from celebrating this festival without colors. I always tried to fill some colors in every ones life. I tried to make the sad ones happy everytime.
The meaning of Holi has changed for me over the past few years. Its been almost 9 years I played the colors. Now i try to help people in need if i can. I try to make new friends. I try to make people smile. I try to erase the distance between two people. if they are enemies then I try to turn the relationship into friendships. And believe me these small things make me very happy. You may also try the different type of Holi celebration. This way you can save water also.
Anyway, During this day is more special for me. I do wait for the day to arrive to a special person in colors. That person loves to play with different type of colors. And I love to see her that way. Almost white face goes black. And that smile trying to hide behind those colors. Tomorrow will be again the same visuals in front of me. I pray that she keeps smiling always.
I never said that I hate colors. But now the situation is different. I may start coloring the faces and the reason will be that inspiring face and my friends who goes black every Holi.
Anyway, Happy Holi to every one. And a special wish for the special person and her family.Spread some smiles this Holi.
At last,
     "Ye rang bhi berang hai Jo tu yahan na ho// teri muskurahato se ye rangeen hai jahan"
Happy Holi to every one and Family.

One Black Night

My heart was almost thumping. It was about to bump out of my body. All my effort to make it calm was just a waste. It’s just that I was managing to walk, not properly though. My legs were walking but heart was saying to fly out from this place as soon as possible.  But nothing was in control. Neither my feet nor the heart. Everything was racing. Everything seems to be breaking.

Was it true what I just saw? Or, it was just a dream? No answer I had. I didn’t even want to turn and confirm what it was. Nor I had that much of energy left in me to do so.

Better it was a dream, if it was. Otherwise I could have broken into pieces and fell down on the same road. I pinched myself to confirm this time. No. I wasn’t sleeping. This was not just a dream. I was in all senses but still senseless. My eyes were open but it was dark all over. I was walking. No, I was almost running on that empty dark road. All scared of loosing myself. Scared of loosing my life. I didn’t want to loose it anyway.

I heard it again. The same voice shouted my name again. I felt like the foot steps were coming nearer with every passing second. And this was the heights of my patience. It broke and I felt like someone has taken away every drop of blood from my body. My legs refused to walk. My heart forgot to beat. I got freeze. I am no more, I thought. May be the last thought of my life it was. I was almost dead when I felt a hand on my shoulder. And the same voice again. I fell down and lost my sense.

When next I opened it. I found myself in bed. I was in my bed and she was there in front of me. My friend sikha she was. A lot of make up was there on her face which was making her presentable at least.

She said she got me last night from the road. Wait! Was that she? I got scared of her or the ghost? May be she was? Anyway without makeup she was not less than a ghost. I felt to laugh on my own stupidity. But I didn’t do it. I looked at her again and remembered the last night. A smile ran over my face.

Accepted and deleted.

I was too happy that day. And Why not? Afterall I was successful in finding her after a long try. I finally I found her profile on Facebook. I can't explain how happy I was. I read her profile thrice. I saved her profile picture into my cellphone. Immediately I wanted to request her for friendship. But then I controlled my emotions. I must wait some more, I thought.
But love is love. It never listen to anyone else. I ended sending her a request. And desparetly waited for her acceptance, though the chances were very low.
I couldn't sleep whole night in excitement. The profile of kruti was open on my cellphone for evening to morning. I checked it every minute. Have she accepted or not? This was the question of the night.
Finally she accepted my friend request in Facebook. I was officially a friend of hers. And this was the height of happiness for me. Even I danced in that excitement. I was flying high in the sky.
Around 2 o'clock I logged in again and found her online. Immediately I thought to message her but controlled myself again. I was still thinking of what to write when she went offline. I checked her profile again and all my happiness went off. She was no more in my friend list. She had removed me from her list of friends. I was socked and hurt. But again I controlled.
After three days, I again requested her for friendship. And this time she accepted it and deleted within a minute. Very next moment, I was blocked. She blocked me and I controlled again. Couldn't even Blame her, coz I love her.
A question bubbled up in my mind that if she wanted to delete me then why she accepted at the first place? If she wanted to block me then why she accepted my request second time? I never got an answer. Many thoughts for the answer still pop sometimes but nothing is convincing. Only kruti knows the answer.
     Kundan vidyarthy.

I accept, I am weak.

What is happening with me? Why I am feeling so restless? Everything was okay, then why I am feeling to shout suddenly? Why and of what I am scared so much? I am feeling like to laugh and cry at the same time. And still I have not found any of the answer.
I was having a discussion in the evening about my love with one of my closest friend. She asked me if I really love kruti or not? I had the answer. I said yes without thinking.
"When will  You talk to her?" She asked again. And this time I was out of answer. I wanted to answer but couldn't. It was not only my friend's question but also mine. If I claim to love kruti then why I am hesitating to ask her? I got confused. A never ending pain started somewhere in my heart.
"If you won't tell her, then I will ask her about you this time." she said again. I contradicted her immediately. Why I did so? I don't know. She kept asking for a permission and I restricted her with an oath. She became helpless.
Its not like I don't want to talk to the one whon I love. Or I don't want to meet her. I do want. I do need her beside me. I know that no one else can fill her place. And her empty space in my life hurts more now. Then why? Why I don't move my step forward. No answer comes out of my heart or mind.
May be I am afraid of loosing her. But I never got her? Then why should I get afraid?
"okay, then stop talking and thinking about her." my friend said again. May be she was right.
"I never think about her" I said. But my heart knows how I Said that to her. I felt the pain. I am still feeling it. I want to cry coz I am not so strong.
No matter how much I try to ignore my love, but I know how it feels when I do it. No Matter how much I say I don't care but everything related to her effects me. No matter how much I try to be cool when I hear about her links with other guys but inside I always cry.
Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of a 'no' from her. I don't have the guts to hear it. May be this it one if the reason I don't talk to her. But I am still happy with that pain. Coz that pain belongs to her. I can spent my life just thinking about her and looking at her pics then to live with her 'no'.
I know that a yes can change my life. But i can't even hear a no even in my dreams.
Yes, I am not so strong. I am weak. And I don't regret it.
      Kundan vidyarthy

One night with her.

It Was dark all over. Just few street lights were making the things visible. I saw her in that hazy  light while returning from work. She was almost naked. She was in blood. Some vehicle must have run through her, I thought. I ran to her to check whether she is dead or alive. Luckily she was still alive. Just few scraches and small wounds created by the accident were visible. But she was senseless.
I thought to leave her alone. But I don't know why, I picked her up in my arms and walked towards my home. May be it was the result of my kind hearted personality. She needed help and I was going to help her out. She was not to heavy to walk with.
Anyway, we reached my home. As I was alone there, so no one was there to ask a question. I put her on my bed. I cleaned her wounds and applied some antiseptics. She was feeling better I guess. She opened her eyes and got scared seeing me. But soon she got relaxed.
She was feeling weak. I fed her. And I too had dinner. She was feeling sleepy and me too. So we made ourselves comfortable on sofa and bed each. In the morning I will leave her, I thought.
I Was in the dark sleep when I felt something beside me. It was very soft and silky. I got up and switched on the light. She was there, just beside me. Cool and calm face and relaxed body. She was looking beautiful. I didn't want to disturb her and we spent the night on the same bed and in the same blanket.
In the morning, she was all over me. Humping and jumping on the bed. Running from the One corner to other. Making noise in her own style. The morning seemed a little different. At least someone was there to greet me. I looked at her again. She was looking cute. Not a bad company she was, I thought. I dropped the plan to leave her.
You know what, she still lives with me. And I call her 'salty'. Yes, she liked the new name. We are having fun time with each other.
Now she always greets me with a bad 'myau' when I get back from office everyday. And I take her into my arms and kiss her. Beautiful life has become.

    Kundan vidyarthy.

My crushlist.

I have been crushed out few times. I mean I have also a few names under my crush list like everyone. I was not a ‘jerk’ but still I was a jerk. Though now I am not. I am not a jerk at all now. And the reason is my heart. There is only one name residing in from last few years. There is only one face I desire to look at every time. There is only one girl with whom I want to spend my rest of the life. And the worst part or may be the best part is, she is still away from me. it’s a different story, will tell you some other time.

Anyway, coming to my crush list, my first was when I was in fifth standard. She was as beautiful and sweet as her name. She was older than me I guess. I can’t be sure coz I never asked about her age. We should never ask about their age, and I was very much not aware of the fact. Soon I left the school and she just couldn’t come into my life. She couldn’t turn into a lover from the crush.

My next crush was in 8^th standard and then in 10^th standard. Like many of you, in 8^th she was my class teacher and in 10^th she was my senior. I was the favorite student of the teacher. I used to solve every sum for the class and she used to just relax in her chair. And the later one, my senior was just a hi and hello girl. One day my senior got committed with one of her senior and I stopped looking at her.

All the four of my crushes seemed to take away my heart in her first look. Either it was my 5^th grade or my first year. But no one was able to take my heart away actually. Finally the fifth girl came into my life and did the tough task. My heart is no more with me from last few years. She took it away. She made me feel lonely. She made me cry. I am missing her. And yes, I didn’t feel for her when I saw her first. She was just another kid. But that kid did the kidding part. And rest is the future.

Again coming to the crush list and this is about my fourth crush. She was my longest crush. Almost one and a half year long crush. As it was just a crush, It had to vanish. Slowly and steadily I lost every crushing interest that beautiful lady.

One beautiful evening, after I lost every interest in the longest crush, I was having a routine walk in the streets of Jaipur. There was a park near by and I walked into it. As it was already a half and hour walk, I preferred to sit on the bench in one of the corner.

I was still wondering in my thoughts when a skinny, not so tall boy walked to me. He had some bad intentions in his eyes. May be wanted to kill me. Or, may be he wanted to beat me up.

“Yes.” I said with my evergreen smile.

“Are you Raj?” he asked in fuming tone.

“Yes, do you have any problem?” I was confused but calm.

“Yes, I have problem.”

“Oh! Should I change my name? Okay no probs. Suggest me some name and I will choose one of them.” I joked out of habit. And surely he didn’t like it.

“You bloody, I am not here to have fun with you.” He was crossing the line. I felt to slap him on his face. But I controlled my urge. Coz I knew that my one tight slap can let him kiss the ground. Though I have never been a muscle man but still, I knew my strength.

“Then? Then why are you here? Excuse me! Do I know you in the first place?” I tried to be serious for the first time.

  “I am here to warn you. Don’t dare to look at Gracy again or I will kill you.” He tried to threaten me.

Oh! That means, he was the well wisher of my longest crush. But how does he know me? Gracy must have told him. But why now? Doesn’t she liking that I am not taking interest in her. I don’t even give a crap for her.

“Wow angry young man! I am scared! Thank you for giving me one more chance.” I tried to act once more. Believe me, I am a very good actor. “By the way, who are you? Her brother?” I asked again.

“No. She is my girlfriend. And it will be better for you to maintain a distance from her.” he said. I felt to laugh out loud. He was the boyfriend? Duffer he was. Anyway, more fun was ahead. It was my turn to play with him.

“Hey Mr. Boyfriend. Cool down and sit here.” I said in my usual cool tone.

“I am cool, that’s why I am alone here. Otherwise I could have come with my friends and beaten you up.” It was height of my patience I was listening his craps. He could have went red faced otherwise.

“Relax buddy, sit here. Thanks that you came alone. This way you saved yourself and your friends too. “ I put my hand on his shoulder and said. “You know what, may be I am a supporter of non violence but I don’t think its same with my friends and well wishers. If something happens to me than you don’t know what they can do to you. So you better relax.”

He didn’t answer.

“As far as Gracy is concerned, then if you trust her, if you love her and she loves you, than you don’t have to worry. I never troubled her. But at the same time, you can’t change my feelings. If I love her then I love her. You can’t do anything. Just trust your relationship and take care of her.” I lied the last part. Coz I never loved her.

 I could have broken their relationship. I could have told him each and everything, and I knew that it was enough to break their relationship. But never believe in breaking the relationships. I believe in making it.

We talked for next half an hour. About his life and his ambitions. As a senior, I suggested him many things which was better for his life.

“AS we are friends now, can’t you forget her for your friend.” He requested. A smile ran over my face.

That was the day and this is the day after four years. No new crush in my life. may god bless all my crushes.