Few more steps towards her

She was right there in front of me. Almost a hundred steps away but I couldnt see her. I could recognize her in that dark night. Yes it was she only. My eyes can be wrong for once but not my heart. My heart suddenly started beating fast. It was showing all the signs of her presence.
She was still there.Ninety steps away from me. I was walking to decrease the distance. But her her presence and her glowing face was playing its magic. Eyes wanted to stick there on that face and body was sweating all alone. Feet was refusing to walk. I forced but still I was not able to put it in the appropriate place. I Was fumbling. I was stammering in heart. I never care about my looks but right then I thought that how am I looking. I forgot that I was tired just a few seconds ago. I forgot about my headache. Everything dissapeared and new problems appeared. I forgot that I have to submit my assignments today. Only she was there in my mind like always.
70 steps and I noticed that she was not alone. Someone was there with her. Her friends I guess. Yupp, those were her friends to whom she was talking. They must have noticed me by the time I guess. And this thought was enough to make me more nervous. I had to remove my eyes from there forcefully. I wanted to look at her. I wanted everything else to dissapear other then us. I wanted the timecto stop so that I could be in front of her always.
But alas! It never happened. I was still managing to move. And time never left its speed. Ten, nine, eight and Seven. I wanted to stop there as time didn't stop. I wanted to talk to her and hear her beautiful voice for life. I wanted to stop and sink in her beautiful eyes.
But again it didn't happen. This time my legs refused to stop. I kept moving and moving. Now I was the one making the distance. I hated it. I wanted to turn back but my neck Was afraid of getting caught. Finally I turned but she was no where.
I left her far behind I guess. But she was still there In my heart and in my eyes. I looked at her smiling face and smiled myself. Again I took a step. One more step towards her.

Her colored face

Well, its over. The holi is over and there was nothing interesting I did. Nothing at all. It was just like another boring day of my life. Nothing special happened. May be I never tried to make it special but still nothing could have happen if I had tried.
May be they can say I am boring. I don't blame. I have all the visible quality of a boring person. But this is not me. I am not boring at all. Its just that I pretend to be boring. Situation doesn't allow me to do not so boring things. I can't have fun alone. I can't laugh out loud alone. In fact nothing not so boring can be done alone. But still I try to find fun in every thing around me. I don't hate boring things now. I do it every time. And believe me it helps me a lot.
Writing is the most boring thing the new generation think of and I do it. Reading is another boring thing and this time too, its my favorite while no one is around me. When I read something two thing happens. First, sometime I compare what I read to what I have written, and I feel happy that I am better. And if not then I learn to make it better.
Today also, on the very special occasion of holI, I did three things. First, I read. Second, I wrote some more words of my fourth novel. And last but not the least, I tried to find my soul. I found her again and smiled. I saw her playing holi and I felt happy. I wrote another song for my soul and i liked it in the end. I never get bored doing these three things. My writing is my career. Reading make me better. And I can't imagine my days without my soul. Everytime I see her, I fall in love with her again and again. And the same is with my writing and reading too. Its all important. Most important thing like my family and friends, these three are also the part of my life. And how can I spend any special day without these three. I don't regret it if someone says me boring while I do these things.
Anyway, its end of the day and a new day will start after the end of the darkness. Looking forward to it.
And if you are going to play holi again tomorrow, then wishes for you.

Kundan vidyarthy

Holi for me

Holi is round the corner. Its the festival of colors as we all know. Holi for me too meant only for coloring the faces of my friends until a white face gets black. We used to find the white or colorless faces and make them black unnaturally. And no one had the guts to refuse us coloring their faces.
And then we got busy. We friends were no more together. And you know, playing Holi alone is not a good idea. Slowly I lost every interest in colors of Holi. Never got such environment again to wake up all the Holi heart. Though I was never away from celebrating this festival without colors. I always tried to fill some colors in every ones life. I tried to make the sad ones happy everytime.
The meaning of Holi has changed for me over the past few years. Its been almost 9 years I played the colors. Now i try to help people in need if i can. I try to make new friends. I try to make people smile. I try to erase the distance between two people. if they are enemies then I try to turn the relationship into friendships. And believe me these small things make me very happy. You may also try the different type of Holi celebration. This way you can save water also.
Anyway, During this day is more special for me. I do wait for the day to arrive to a special person in colors. That person loves to play with different type of colors. And I love to see her that way. Almost white face goes black. And that smile trying to hide behind those colors. Tomorrow will be again the same visuals in front of me. I pray that she keeps smiling always.
I never said that I hate colors. But now the situation is different. I may start coloring the faces and the reason will be that inspiring face and my friends who goes black every Holi.
Anyway, Happy Holi to every one. And a special wish for the special person and her family.Spread some smiles this Holi.
At last,
     "Ye rang bhi berang hai Jo tu yahan na ho// teri muskurahato se ye rangeen hai jahan"
Happy Holi to every one and Family.

One Black Night

My heart was almost thumping. It was about to bump out of my body. All my effort to make it calm was just a waste. It’s just that I was managing to walk, not properly though. My legs were walking but heart was saying to fly out from this place as soon as possible.  But nothing was in control. Neither my feet nor the heart. Everything was racing. Everything seems to be breaking.

Was it true what I just saw? Or, it was just a dream? No answer I had. I didn’t even want to turn and confirm what it was. Nor I had that much of energy left in me to do so.

Better it was a dream, if it was. Otherwise I could have broken into pieces and fell down on the same road. I pinched myself to confirm this time. No. I wasn’t sleeping. This was not just a dream. I was in all senses but still senseless. My eyes were open but it was dark all over. I was walking. No, I was almost running on that empty dark road. All scared of loosing myself. Scared of loosing my life. I didn’t want to loose it anyway.

I heard it again. The same voice shouted my name again. I felt like the foot steps were coming nearer with every passing second. And this was the heights of my patience. It broke and I felt like someone has taken away every drop of blood from my body. My legs refused to walk. My heart forgot to beat. I got freeze. I am no more, I thought. May be the last thought of my life it was. I was almost dead when I felt a hand on my shoulder. And the same voice again. I fell down and lost my sense.

When next I opened it. I found myself in bed. I was in my bed and she was there in front of me. My friend sikha she was. A lot of make up was there on her face which was making her presentable at least.

She said she got me last night from the road. Wait! Was that she? I got scared of her or the ghost? May be she was? Anyway without makeup she was not less than a ghost. I felt to laugh on my own stupidity. But I didn’t do it. I looked at her again and remembered the last night. A smile ran over my face.

Accepted and deleted.

I was too happy that day. And Why not? Afterall I was successful in finding her after a long try. I finally I found her profile on Facebook. I can't explain how happy I was. I read her profile thrice. I saved her profile picture into my cellphone. Immediately I wanted to request her for friendship. But then I controlled my emotions. I must wait some more, I thought.
But love is love. It never listen to anyone else. I ended sending her a request. And desparetly waited for her acceptance, though the chances were very low.
I couldn't sleep whole night in excitement. The profile of kruti was open on my cellphone for evening to morning. I checked it every minute. Have she accepted or not? This was the question of the night.
Finally she accepted my friend request in Facebook. I was officially a friend of hers. And this was the height of happiness for me. Even I danced in that excitement. I was flying high in the sky.
Around 2 o'clock I logged in again and found her online. Immediately I thought to message her but controlled myself again. I was still thinking of what to write when she went offline. I checked her profile again and all my happiness went off. She was no more in my friend list. She had removed me from her list of friends. I was socked and hurt. But again I controlled.
After three days, I again requested her for friendship. And this time she accepted it and deleted within a minute. Very next moment, I was blocked. She blocked me and I controlled again. Couldn't even Blame her, coz I love her.
A question bubbled up in my mind that if she wanted to delete me then why she accepted at the first place? If she wanted to block me then why she accepted my request second time? I never got an answer. Many thoughts for the answer still pop sometimes but nothing is convincing. Only kruti knows the answer.
     Kundan vidyarthy.

I accept, I am weak.

What is happening with me? Why I am feeling so restless? Everything was okay, then why I am feeling to shout suddenly? Why and of what I am scared so much? I am feeling like to laugh and cry at the same time. And still I have not found any of the answer.
I was having a discussion in the evening about my love with one of my closest friend. She asked me if I really love kruti or not? I had the answer. I said yes without thinking.
"When will  You talk to her?" She asked again. And this time I was out of answer. I wanted to answer but couldn't. It was not only my friend's question but also mine. If I claim to love kruti then why I am hesitating to ask her? I got confused. A never ending pain started somewhere in my heart.
"If you won't tell her, then I will ask her about you this time." she said again. I contradicted her immediately. Why I did so? I don't know. She kept asking for a permission and I restricted her with an oath. She became helpless.
Its not like I don't want to talk to the one whon I love. Or I don't want to meet her. I do want. I do need her beside me. I know that no one else can fill her place. And her empty space in my life hurts more now. Then why? Why I don't move my step forward. No answer comes out of my heart or mind.
May be I am afraid of loosing her. But I never got her? Then why should I get afraid?
"okay, then stop talking and thinking about her." my friend said again. May be she was right.
"I never think about her" I said. But my heart knows how I Said that to her. I felt the pain. I am still feeling it. I want to cry coz I am not so strong.
No matter how much I try to ignore my love, but I know how it feels when I do it. No Matter how much I say I don't care but everything related to her effects me. No matter how much I try to be cool when I hear about her links with other guys but inside I always cry.
Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of a 'no' from her. I don't have the guts to hear it. May be this it one if the reason I don't talk to her. But I am still happy with that pain. Coz that pain belongs to her. I can spent my life just thinking about her and looking at her pics then to live with her 'no'.
I know that a yes can change my life. But i can't even hear a no even in my dreams.
Yes, I am not so strong. I am weak. And I don't regret it.
      Kundan vidyarthy

One night with her.

It Was dark all over. Just few street lights were making the things visible. I saw her in that hazy  light while returning from work. She was almost naked. She was in blood. Some vehicle must have run through her, I thought. I ran to her to check whether she is dead or alive. Luckily she was still alive. Just few scraches and small wounds created by the accident were visible. But she was senseless.
I thought to leave her alone. But I don't know why, I picked her up in my arms and walked towards my home. May be it was the result of my kind hearted personality. She needed help and I was going to help her out. She was not to heavy to walk with.
Anyway, we reached my home. As I was alone there, so no one was there to ask a question. I put her on my bed. I cleaned her wounds and applied some antiseptics. She was feeling better I guess. She opened her eyes and got scared seeing me. But soon she got relaxed.
She was feeling weak. I fed her. And I too had dinner. She was feeling sleepy and me too. So we made ourselves comfortable on sofa and bed each. In the morning I will leave her, I thought.
I Was in the dark sleep when I felt something beside me. It was very soft and silky. I got up and switched on the light. She was there, just beside me. Cool and calm face and relaxed body. She was looking beautiful. I didn't want to disturb her and we spent the night on the same bed and in the same blanket.
In the morning, she was all over me. Humping and jumping on the bed. Running from the One corner to other. Making noise in her own style. The morning seemed a little different. At least someone was there to greet me. I looked at her again. She was looking cute. Not a bad company she was, I thought. I dropped the plan to leave her.
You know what, she still lives with me. And I call her 'salty'. Yes, she liked the new name. We are having fun time with each other.
Now she always greets me with a bad 'myau' when I get back from office everyday. And I take her into my arms and kiss her. Beautiful life has become.

    Kundan vidyarthy.

My crushlist.

I have been crushed out few times. I mean I have also a few names under my crush list like everyone. I was not a ‘jerk’ but still I was a jerk. Though now I am not. I am not a jerk at all now. And the reason is my heart. There is only one name residing in from last few years. There is only one face I desire to look at every time. There is only one girl with whom I want to spend my rest of the life. And the worst part or may be the best part is, she is still away from me. it’s a different story, will tell you some other time.

Anyway, coming to my crush list, my first was when I was in fifth standard. She was as beautiful and sweet as her name. She was older than me I guess. I can’t be sure coz I never asked about her age. We should never ask about their age, and I was very much not aware of the fact. Soon I left the school and she just couldn’t come into my life. She couldn’t turn into a lover from the crush.

My next crush was in 8^th standard and then in 10^th standard. Like many of you, in 8^th she was my class teacher and in 10^th she was my senior. I was the favorite student of the teacher. I used to solve every sum for the class and she used to just relax in her chair. And the later one, my senior was just a hi and hello girl. One day my senior got committed with one of her senior and I stopped looking at her.

All the four of my crushes seemed to take away my heart in her first look. Either it was my 5^th grade or my first year. But no one was able to take my heart away actually. Finally the fifth girl came into my life and did the tough task. My heart is no more with me from last few years. She took it away. She made me feel lonely. She made me cry. I am missing her. And yes, I didn’t feel for her when I saw her first. She was just another kid. But that kid did the kidding part. And rest is the future.

Again coming to the crush list and this is about my fourth crush. She was my longest crush. Almost one and a half year long crush. As it was just a crush, It had to vanish. Slowly and steadily I lost every crushing interest that beautiful lady.

One beautiful evening, after I lost every interest in the longest crush, I was having a routine walk in the streets of Jaipur. There was a park near by and I walked into it. As it was already a half and hour walk, I preferred to sit on the bench in one of the corner.

I was still wondering in my thoughts when a skinny, not so tall boy walked to me. He had some bad intentions in his eyes. May be wanted to kill me. Or, may be he wanted to beat me up.

“Yes.” I said with my evergreen smile.

“Are you Raj?” he asked in fuming tone.

“Yes, do you have any problem?” I was confused but calm.

“Yes, I have problem.”

“Oh! Should I change my name? Okay no probs. Suggest me some name and I will choose one of them.” I joked out of habit. And surely he didn’t like it.

“You bloody, I am not here to have fun with you.” He was crossing the line. I felt to slap him on his face. But I controlled my urge. Coz I knew that my one tight slap can let him kiss the ground. Though I have never been a muscle man but still, I knew my strength.

“Then? Then why are you here? Excuse me! Do I know you in the first place?” I tried to be serious for the first time.

  “I am here to warn you. Don’t dare to look at Gracy again or I will kill you.” He tried to threaten me.

Oh! That means, he was the well wisher of my longest crush. But how does he know me? Gracy must have told him. But why now? Doesn’t she liking that I am not taking interest in her. I don’t even give a crap for her.

“Wow angry young man! I am scared! Thank you for giving me one more chance.” I tried to act once more. Believe me, I am a very good actor. “By the way, who are you? Her brother?” I asked again.

“No. She is my girlfriend. And it will be better for you to maintain a distance from her.” he said. I felt to laugh out loud. He was the boyfriend? Duffer he was. Anyway, more fun was ahead. It was my turn to play with him.

“Hey Mr. Boyfriend. Cool down and sit here.” I said in my usual cool tone.

“I am cool, that’s why I am alone here. Otherwise I could have come with my friends and beaten you up.” It was height of my patience I was listening his craps. He could have went red faced otherwise.

“Relax buddy, sit here. Thanks that you came alone. This way you saved yourself and your friends too. “ I put my hand on his shoulder and said. “You know what, may be I am a supporter of non violence but I don’t think its same with my friends and well wishers. If something happens to me than you don’t know what they can do to you. So you better relax.”

He didn’t answer.

“As far as Gracy is concerned, then if you trust her, if you love her and she loves you, than you don’t have to worry. I never troubled her. But at the same time, you can’t change my feelings. If I love her then I love her. You can’t do anything. Just trust your relationship and take care of her.” I lied the last part. Coz I never loved her.

 I could have broken their relationship. I could have told him each and everything, and I knew that it was enough to break their relationship. But never believe in breaking the relationships. I believe in making it.

We talked for next half an hour. About his life and his ambitions. As a senior, I suggested him many things which was better for his life.

“AS we are friends now, can’t you forget her for your friend.” He requested. A smile ran over my face.

That was the day and this is the day after four years. No new crush in my life. may god bless all my crushes.

और कितना बलिदान?

हर साल ८ मार्च को महिला दिवस मनाया जाता है. लेकिन आज, हमारे देश में महिलाओं की स्थिति देखकर मेरा सर शर्म से झुक जाता है. हज़ारों सवाल उठ खडे होते हैं जिनका जवाब नहीं ढूँढ पाता मैं. क्या महिलाओं का सम्मान बस किसी खास दिवस तक ही सिमित है? उनकी परिस्थिति के लिए क्या हम जिम्मेदार नहीं हैं? और जो कुछ भी आँखों के सामने आता है, बस शर्म से झुक जाती हैं ये आखें.

हमारा देश हमेशा से नारी प्रधान रहा है. ये वही देश है जहाँ सीता जैसी नारी ने जन्म लिया तो माँ दुर्गा ने राक्षसों का संहार भी किया. ये वही देश है जहाँ हम आज भी माँ लक्ष्मी, माँ दुर्गा, माँ सरस्वती या माँ पार्वती की पूजा करते हैं. ये वही धरती है जहाँ अपनी जन्भूमि को भी माँ का दर्जा दिया गया है. तो फिर क्यूँ हम उसी माँ की प्रतिमूर्ति पर लांछन लगाने से नहीं चूकते? क्यूँ आज हर दिन किसी न किसी नारी का अपमान हो रहा है? क्यूँ हम उसी माँ के किसी और रूप को आदर के दृष्टि से नहीं देख पाते? क्या यही हमारे संस्कार, हमारी संस्कृति है? या फिर हम अपनी मानसिकता खोते जा रहे हैं?

शायद हाँ. हम अपनी मानसिकता खोते जा रहे हैं. हम दिन से दिन बीमार होते जा रहे हैं. हमारे सोचने समझने की शक्ति खोती जा रही हैं शायद. हम भूलते जा रहे हैं के ये वही माँ है जिसने हमे जन्म दिया और पाला. ये वही बहने है जिसकी रक्षा की कसम हम खाया करते हैं. ये वही दादी या नानी है जो हमें किस्से सुनाया करती हैं. ये वही नारी है जो अपना सबकुछ त्याग कर हमारे सुख दुःख में साथ देती है. और ये वही नारी है जिसकी हम रोज पूजा अर्चना किया करते हैं. आज हम उसी मान या बहन या बीवी के साथ बदसुलूकी कर रहे हैं. हम उसी जननी का अपमान करते हैं. और ये सब करते हुए हमारी आखे सरम से झुकती भी नहीं. क्या ये अच्छी मानसिकता वाले लोगों का काम है. हरगिज़ नहीं. हम खुद को इंसान कहते हैं, अरे हम तो राक्षस कहलाने के लायक भी नहीं. रावन एक राक्षस होते हुए भी अपनी मर्यादा जानता था. सीता माँ का अपहरण करके भी उसने कभी गलत नज़र से नहि देखा.

छेड़ छाड या गंग रेप जैसी घटनाए तो ऐसे आम हो गयीं हैं जैसे के हमने कभी सभ्यता सीखी ही नहीं. कोई निर्भया बलिदान दे देती है और हम इलज़ाम लगाते रह जाते हैं. जुलुस निकालते हैं सरकार के खिलाफ. हंगामा मचाते हैं. और फिर भूल जाते हैं. नेताओं की तो बात ही छोड़ दो. वो तो यहाँ भी अपने मतलब की निकालने से नहीं चूकते. बलात्कार या हत्या जैसे मामलों पर राजनीति की रोटी सेकना तो कोई हमारे नेताओं से सीखे. हिटलर  से कम नहीं हैं हमारी सरकार. शांति के साथ प्रदर्शन कर रहे लोगों पर भी लाठिया बरसाती है. और जहाँ तक हमारी क़ानून व्यवस्था का सवाल है तो उसमे इतने छेद हैं के कोई भी अपराधी आसानी से बच निकल जाए. तो आखिर जनता जाए कहाँ? अपराधियों को सजा मिले कैसे? हमारी माँ और बहें सुरक्षित कैसे रहें?और हमारा समाज बदले कैसे?

मुझे बड़ी ग्लानी महसूस होती है जब समाज के रक्षक ही इन घटनाओं पर अपनी उल जुलूल प्रतिक्रिया देते हैं. कोई कहता हैं के शादी की उम्र घटा दो तो कोई कहता हैं टीवी चैनल्स बंद करवा दो. सारे किसी न किसी तरीके से अपनी कमियां छुपाने में लगे हैं. तरस आता हैं मुझे इनलोगों पर जो अपना दर्जा बनाये रखने के लिए अपनी गलतियों को किसी और के सर मढ देते हैं. यहाँ तक की हमारे बाबा लोग भी अपनी टिपण्णी देने से नहीं चूकते. हम खुद को मर्द कहते हैं. क्या ये है हमारी मर्दानगी? क्या बलात्कार या गंग रेप जैसी घटनाये हमारी मर्दानगी दर्शाती हैं. या ये हमारी कायरता दिखाती है. अगर हम किसी नारी का सम्मान नहीं कर सके तो लानत है ऐसे मर्द कहलाने पर. शर्म से डूब मारना चाहिए ऐसे लोगों को जो अपनी मर्दानगी इस तरह जाहिर करते हैं.  

कहते हैं व्यक्ति ही समाज का आइना होता है. और सच भी है. व्यक्ति से समाज बनता है न की समाज से व्यक्ति. हम समाज को इलज़ाम देने के बजाए खुद को बदलने की कोशिश क्यूँ नहीं करते? हम बदलेंगे तो समाज का नजरिया बदलेगा. आज अगर हम नारियों का सम्मान करना शुरू कर दे, हम अगर उनकी रक्षा के लिए आगे आये, हम अगर उनके भावनाओं की क़द्र करना सीख जाए. तो ये समाज जरूर बदलेगा. अगर हम अपने बच्चो की पहली हि गलती पर उसे डांटे, उन्हें सबका सम्मान करना सिखाये तो समाज बदलेगा.  हम अगर अपनों की गलती को छुपाने या उसे बचाने की बजाये उसे सजा दें तो समाज बदलेगा. और जिस दिन ऐसा हो गया फिर किसी निर्भया को बलिदान नहीं देना परेगा. और सही मायने में हम एक भारतीय, एक भाई, एक पति या एक बेटा कहलाने के लायक बन पाएंगे.

                                                            कुंदन विद्यार्थी

When the night rises

Its almost 2 o'clock. The night is too dark to see. The night is rising. The night is rising towards a beautiful morning. But right now the whole world is sleeping except some freak people like me. May be they are up for some work. May be they are on phone or busy with someone. But I am not busy. Its just that i cant sleep at all. And there are many reasons for this.
The thoughts of my family, the thoughts of my future and my past is keeping my mind engaged. What i was? What i am? And what i will be??? No answer. Everything is in dark, just like the darkness of night. May be there is a beautiful morning ahead, but the wait is not getting over. I feel tired of waiting. I want this wait to get over. I want to see the beautiful morning again.
In past couple of years, may be i have chosen a different way for myself. May be it is far from traditional ways. But i have done every bit of what should be done. I got continuous failure, but never gave up. I kept up working and i will keep working anyway. But sometimes, i feel frustrated. Its hard to continue without any success. Still i am doing it.
I am a dreamer. I dream with open eyes. And believe in following my dreams. I am just doing the same. I am just following my dream. And i am sure, one day success will come my way.
Today, when i look back, i get myself standing alone. And believe me, this is the worst feeling. I miss each of them equally. I wish them to be with me. But at the same time, i know the fact that most People leave you in your hard days. I am not in a situation to complain anyway. I know that this is my life and i have to face it alone.
I have one more dream which i never followed. But my god knows, i think of her every moment. I think of her with every single breathe i take. I just cant get her off my head. She is in my eyes and in my heart. No matter how big problem is there, she dont go off for even a second.
Whenever i am alone and not even a sound is around, her thought gets over every other thought. And thats the time when she plays with my emotions most. Thats the time when i miss her the most. I wish he could be with me.
If i am sleeping, she enters my dream, she smiles, she talk and dissapear. She promises to come again and keep every promise of hers. But never comes when i need her. Never comes when i am awake. May be she is playing with me. May be she is enjoying this game if hide abd seek. But still, i love her and i cant stop loving her.
Now, its the time. She must be waiting for me to sleep so she can meet me in my dream. And i cant keep her waiting for long. Take care
And yes, I will live each and every dream if mine one day. Its a promise to myself. Hey unfollowed dream, i am coming soon.
    kundan vidyarthy